Not them.

I hate ads like this.  They are predatory ads.  Why mess with people’s minds?  And by people, I mean 300lbs biological cheetos processing plants that milk digital pink cows on their Facebook pasture until 6 AM, and then subsequently have to call in sick to their Comcast tech support jobs because they are too tired to even go take a dump.  Let’s face reality here.  This ad that’s trying to lure the land whale away from his digital misery with the faint glimmer of false hope that an attractive female homo sapiens is any way interested in him is just cruel.  This ad itself is the closest interaction that this 38 year old beluga will ever get with a female.  Hey buddy, do yourself a favor and just ignore the ad.  Go feed your cats before they make too much noise and wake up your parents.

A few months back we adopted two female dogs. They weren’t spayed. We got too busy to schedule some time with the vet. Also, we needed to save some money too. Who knew it would be so expensive to cut open a dog, remove organs, and then stitch ‘er up?  It’s a lot cheaper to shoot the damn bitch and have a neighborhood cookout.

This wouldn’t have been a big deal if we had a male dog since I already own the proper tool to do the job.

It’s not so easy with a female dog.  But, I digress.

Anyways, we were assholes and didn’t get it done on time. I thought, what’s the big deal right?  The worst thing that can happen is our bitch making weird noises and male dogs prowling my yard looking for some action (which could be a blessing in disguise. Target practice, anyone?)  Honestly, the worst thing I expected was to wake up in the middle of the night to find the dogs in inappropriate positions with my leather-lined slippers (a.k.a. dog dildos).

Boy, was I wrong.

I was too stupid to make the connection that “heat” meant “period”. As in, leaking blood all over the fucking place. Apparently, they make doggie-diapers for this sort of situation. However, what they don’t tell you is that the minute you put it on, the dog chews it off. So, not only you have blood all over the place, but also clumps of blood soaked diaper pieces. Fuck that.

The other thing you don’t expect is how obsessed the dog gets with her twat. Imagine if a college kid was given all the porn he wanted and told he could jerk off whenever he wanted (read: imagine a college kid). Now imagine that he could easily suck his own dick. You get the idea. Whenever the damn dog is awake, hungry, tired, excited, bored, sleepy, happy, sad, scared, etc she is working her cunt.  I mean WORKING IT.  I’ve never seen such vigorous licking.  It ain’t quiet either. She grunts so hard while doing it that it would make the skankiest pornstar blush. On top of all that, the other one, who thank GOD isn’t also in heat, is just as preoccupied with the twat in question.  It’s 24/7 canine muff diving in my house. I can’t stand it.  I want to shoot the damn things.

And the mood swings! God damn it, nobody told me about that. Dogs are unpredictable as they are.  Add to that the menstrual psychosis, and you have a monster. Allow me to show you what I mean.  Here’s a cute Chihuahua (for the record, I believe that’s an oxymoron. Chihuahuas are NOT cute.  They are goddamn rats that bark. But, maybe you’re a lonely loser that likes them).

Here’s that Chihuahua in heat:

That’s not the worst part.  The worst part is the smell!  GOD DAMN IT the smell. Here’s how you can get an idea of what owning a female dog in heat smells like.  Grab yourself an airtight blanket and then locate a woman on her period (just follow the screams, you’ll know which one she is). Stalk her until she needs to use the bathroom. She’ll be replacing her pad or tampon every time she hits the bathroom. As soon as she gets out, sneak into the stall she used, put your head in the trash can, cover it tight with the blanket, and take a deep deep breath.  Add wet dog smell and you get the idea.

My advice to you is this: if you ever get a female dog, make sure you get it spayed before you bring it home, so she becomes the vegetable she’s supposed to be. Better yet, just get a plant.

-Walter

I have always wanted to keep this blog politics free, but a recent story just made it impossible. Last weekend SNL had an opening sketch where Fred Armisen played the role of President Obama.  The sketch is pretty funny, and follows a long tradition of successful political satire from SNL. The whole idea behind the sketch is Obama addressing the nation and essentially saying he’s done nothing since taking office. Well, I wouldn’t say that. Whether you agree with that or not is irrelevant. It’s comedy, right?  Buuuut, CNN just couldn’t leave it alone.  While the White House itself wouldn’t comment on the sketch, CNN, the defender of their Holy-President-That-Can-Do-No-Wrong, took offense at the sketch and rushed to the resuce.  They went ahead, and I shit you not, fact checked and discredited the sketch.  Let me say that again.  A NEWS NETWORK TOOK THE TIME TO FACT CHECK AND DISCREDIT A COMEDY SKETCH!  You can view the ridiculous segment here. 

And you wonder why Republicans are bitching about the “liberal media bias”.

This whole stupid story reminds me of another SNL sketch.  Unfortunately, that one is starting to look like a documentary now.

-Walter

This morning, I park my car, open the door and step out and there’s something crunchy under my foot.  I lift my foot to see what it is and it’s friggin’ nail clippings!  Some asshole has been clipping their nails in the parking garage!  What the hell is wrong with people?  And I’m not talking about one or two here.  I could understand if someone ripped off a nagging hangnail and then flicked it away in the parking lot.  I’m talking about a whole set of 10 fingers here.  Someone actually realized that their nails were long enough to scrape their rectums as they wipe, and decided to take care of the issue right then and there.

This is a more widespread problem than you think. There was this asshole where I worked at about 9 years ago.  His office was directly across from my cubicle and this douchebag clipped his finger nails AND his fucking toe nails in his office all the time. This guy was as disgusting as they got. He actually didn’t wash his hands after taking a dump in the toilet (I witnessed this SEVERAL times).  I’m sure he didn’t subscribe to the urinal etiquette either. In case you’re wondering, this jerk looked like this (yes, with a comb over):

As I said, this is a widespread problem. I watch a lot of professional basketball games, and I loved watching the Sacramento Kings in the early 2000s, especially when they were going against the Lakers. However, I couldn’t watch the games without a bucket within reach. It’s because this asshole Mike Bibby ALWAYS clipped his nails when sitting on the bench and they would ALWAYS zoom in on him, consequently causing me to discard whatever I had eaten that day. Although I couldn’t find a picture, this behavior has been well documented. He did this ALL THE TIME.  You’d think he’d run out of fingernails. Aww, go to hell Mike Bibby!

I don’t care who you are. If you are cutting your fingernails in public, you are an asshole.  GFY.

-Walter

Women just don’t understand men.  Period.  This news bit is the latest proof: Unfaithful woman seeks 2nd chance by wearing sign

Ok, so you were a slut and let another guy bang you.  Now you’re sad because your fiancé dumped you.  First of all, what the hell did you think was going to happen?  Was he going to say “ah, don’t worry honey.  I know you love me.  That was a silly mistake. It’s all water under the bridge, we have our whole lives ahead of us.”  Unless you’re engaged to John Cusack, the answer would be “No”.  For all you women out there, this is exactly how a guy feels when you cheat on them: you are nasty and dirty.  You are a slut that is not to be trusted. He can’t ever be with you again.  If you had been a juicy steak, cheating on your boyfriend/husband is like someone taking a giant dump on the steak.  Yeah, the steak is still there and it’s still juicy, but there’s a steaming pile of crap on top of it.  You can never eat it again.  Same way, when you screw another guy, all your boyfriend/husband will see when they look at you is a steaming pile of shit.  There ain’t no way a man will eat a pile of shit. 

Even if this slut’s fiancé was a dumbass who could stomach being with her again sometime in the future, publicizing it to the whole town, and thanks to the technology the Internet, pretty much ensures that you will never ever get together again.  You see, even if a man is spineless enough to muscle his way through eating a pile of shit like you, he can only do so if nobody knew about it.  By telling the entire world, you are ensuring two things: 1-He’ll never ever ever EVER be with you again.  2-He will get a whole bunch of sympathy fucks from women as stupid as yourself, giving him yet another reason for not to ever look at your face again.

Oh and one final comment about the article. What she did is NOT a vigil.  Holding up a sign declaring yourself to be a slut is not holding a vigil.  The sign (in essence) said:  “I’m a slut, honk if you think my fiancé is a dumbass” in the front, and “I honestly am stupid” in the back. Oh, and all those honkers?  They were other guys who saw a self-declared stupid slut and thought “yeah, she’ll play” and tried to get in on the action.

-Walter.